Introduction
“Forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?”
– Bell Hooks
Every day we make decisions in our lives that we hold ourselves accountable for. From choices at work, our circle of friends or what we like to drink. It’s funny if you get a hangover. Do you blame the alcohol or yourself?
We all come across all types of people in life. Some are super honest & some…. Well… let’s say they like to operate on the other side of the spectrum.
The main question is… how does it look like? How does dealing with someone who is not accountable look like?
Let’s look at a few points on how you know you are dealing with someone who is not accountable for their actions.
1. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses
Coming across someone who, whenever a situation happens, always looks to find other people to blame? Definitely a red flag. When someone is quick to blame others before assessing the situation and seeing what possibly caused it is a sign of someone who does not want to be accountable for their actions.
2. Lack of Self-Awareness
It’s one thing to be confident in your abilities. However, being overconfident without holding yourself accountable is another story. Like the point above, you’ll believe you’re flawless, and if something goes wrong, it couldn’t be your fault. Handling criticism or self-criticism is key to developing a nurturing personality. The reason is that if you encounter a situation where you see the flaws or what happened, you’ll want to improve yourself so it doesn’t happen again.
3. No Change In Behaviour
Making mistakes is a part of life; how we bounce back is what makes all the difference. When someone apologizes, it usually means they were regretful of their actions. A promise that if the situation ever arises again, they will act differently. For people who apologize for what they did and continue the same behaviour, this is most likely a manipulative act to make you believe they have changed. In reality, it’s most likely a character flaw they have that they don’t want to fix.
4. Constantly Deflecting
We are in a global pandemic of people lacking accountability for their actions. During an argument, if you see that your partner always blames their action because of something you “did,” this is an example of them equalizing responsibility. Your partner knows what they did is wrong, but to justify their disrespectful act, they feel it’s warranted to behave the way they did since you made them feel that way.
5. Entitlement
Throughout life, we’ve been taught to compete with others. To be better than the rest so you can get ahead in life. So when people reach a certain status, they think they’re superior to others. With that self-empowerment, they feel entitled to do whatever they want without bearing the consequences. More or less, this behaviour is usually a way to overcompensate for self-doubt, low self-esteem, or insecurity.
6. Narcissistic Tendencies
I’m a firm believer in self-love, but there are levels to this. When it starts to become an obsession, then you start to become blind to certain aspects of life. I’m sure we both can agree that dealing or communicating with someone who is very prideful or egoistic can get annoying. Pride & Ego generally gets in the way of creating and marinating healthy relationships.
7. Constant Need To Guilt Trip
Well… I don’t think I have to say much about this. Not only is it common, but there’s also a very high chance you dealt with this in your life. You’ve come across someone who makes you feel guilty and tries to manipulate you into feeling a specific way about the situation. It’s a form of passive-aggressive behaviour which stems from the person’s inability or unwillingness to communicate openly and honestly.
Instead of being accountable for the situation, they rather make you feel as bad as they do. Sometimes they will even take a step further & flip the situation into making it your fault. When someone’s back is against the wall, doesn’t want to be accountable & has no other options, they’ll tend to go to the victim mentality route.
8. Lack of Empathy
Not understanding a situation or having the inability to communicate effectively can create distance between partners. Usually, people who are not empathetic have a lack of emotional intelligence. So it’ll be harder for them to compromise since they can’t understand what their partner is feeling.
Moreover, since this is the case, being able to compromise with each other makes it more complicated. So it makes sense why it’s difficult for someone who lacks empathy to hold themselves accountable because they won’t understand why the situation is what it is.
9. Always Negative
When you have a negative perspective on life, it’s hard to see the positive out of a negative situation—constantly complaining about things while making no adjustments to change the outcome. In addition, someone who is consistently angry or resentful tends not to want to hold themselves accountable for anything.
Usually, they will blame someone or something else for making them feel the way they feel. It’ll get to a point where if they see people happy and prosperous, they’ll become envious because they can’t achieve that happiness.
10. Constantly Lying
Constantly hidings facts because they know the truth is another person who has difficulty being accountable. Genuinely, dishonest people would rather lie to themselves and others to make them feel better about the situation and avoid conflict.
Conclusion
“Exhibiting accountability over time is a gateway to trust. When we see someone acting with accountability, we gain the evidence we need to trust them.”
– Mike Erwin and Willys Devoll
Escaping accountability has become a big trend over social media. You’ll see accounts constantly talking about how both men and women should be holding themselves more accountable. We hear stories all the time, maybe even for ourselves or how people will lie in our faces even though we already know the truth.
The main question is.. what do we do in this situation? Especially if it’s a loved one?
When establishing accountability in relationships, we must remember that it’s important to consider someone’s past trauma and the internal conflicts that go through their mind. We all approach and handle problems differently the others. That’s why communicating in a certain way, like your tone of voice, is critical in these situations.
Sometimes you have to be the bigger person in this case, so you can show your partner that there’s no need to be scared to trust you. Unfortunately, we also live in a time when insecurities are high and common in relationships. That being said, if you constantly have to be the bigger person & your partner is not doing their part, this is a conversation you will need to have with them because accountability goes both ways.