“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.“
John Lennon
Intro
We are going to explore another series/category with relationships. Toxicity. Unless you are as lucky as a lottery winner, we all had at least one toxic relationship we can think of. Through my experiences (you can let me know if it’s for you as well), these five main ones are what I see commonly in toxic relationships. Without some self-reflection, your love for your partner will blind you to these signs. The reason being is that we always hope for the best within our partner to do the right thing. We tend to forget that we are not in relationships trying to change people but to help them grow into the best version of themselves. So let’s take a look at these five signs and you can let me know if you’ve experienced any of them.
Foundation Instability
You can say relationships have a lot of similes. Some will say it’s like a flower, some will say it’s like a house. What do these two have in common? They both take time to grow/build. For it to grow or build, it needs the right ingredients/substances. If you were to build a house you’ll likely want to use brick and not wood to build so your house won’t get destroyed by fire easily.
So now when we connect it to relationships, it works in the same way. As in you gotta be doing the proper steps to build and maintain the relationship. The foundation is what gives the relationship the strength and hope for it to keep going. So when there’s a loss of trust, poor communication and dishonesty, it starts to tear down what makes a relationship survive the good and bad times.
Loss of Love
When the foundation starts to crumble, the love between partners starts to deteriorate and becomes more visible. When the emotional connection starts to fade, so does the physical and it starts to become a domino effect. You start to become less happy, then you start to question what’s the point of you being in the relationship. Then it creates a disconnect where the quality time you spend with each other doesn’t feel as much “quality.” We get blinded by past happy memories of the relationship.
We start to reflect on those moments and wonder how did the relationship get to this point? Whenever you have to start questioning the relationship and its future of it, unfortunately, it’s not in a good state.
Feeling Undervalued
“Teamwork makes the dream work.” “Two heads are better than one.” These lines are always told whenever we have to work with someone else. So whenever we need guidance or are in need of comfort, we got to our number one source of happiness. Which usually is our partner. Receiving emotional support is what makes us feel our efforts to appreciated and worth it.
What if the emotional support ends? Your partner starts to become less interested in your conversations. It’s noticeable that the quality of communication is not what it used to be. Compromising with your partner becomes harder because they are thinking more selfishly. Yes at times we can’t agree on everything, however the most important is being able to understand each other’s viewpoint. Consistent arguments that are meaningless are also big hints.
Justification For Staying in The Relationship
This one is a big red flag and I feel like the majority of us are actually guilty of this in a prior relationship. When our friends and family constantly ask us why we are still with that person that’s already a bad sign. More importantly, if this person causes you stress & you have to justify their actions every time that’s already a sign of an unhealthy relationship. We all have that one friend or friends who complain about their partner in the relationship. You’ll ask them why are they still with them. Then they start going into defensive mode and try to protect their partner.
Since you (or your friend) have that emotional attachment to that person, we get blinded by hope in believing they will change for the better at some point. Unfortunately, people don’t tend to change and it’s even harder for them to when they are older as well. We still cling to the one thing that made us fall in love with that person. Hoping it will overcome and outdo their weakness making it worth it to stay.
The Relationship Prevents You From Growing As An Individual
Before you got into your relationship, we all had inspirations and things we wanted to accomplish. Sometimes we like to put those on hold when we meet someone we love because we also want their dreams to work as well. For relationships, sacrifices are supposed to be made on both sides and not just one. Your partner (also including yourself) is supposed to help each other to become the best versions of themselves.
Suppressing your dreams for someone who is not as emotionally invested in yours is unfair. It’s a supportive imbalance that shifts the energy of the relationship into a one-sided one. If you decide to stay and it still doesn’t work out, you’ll look back on it in a few years wishing that you’d ended it sooner. I’m not saying the choice is going to be an easy one. However, being with someone who doesn’t support your dreams is.
Conclusion
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.“
Thomas Merton
So we looked at five different times/signs for when you should leave the relationship. There are definitely more than five signs to look for. We still have abuse, unrealistic expectations, partners being unfaithful, and the list can go on. Loving yourself is key to making the majority or even the whole list not apply to you. When you have a lot of self-love you won’t tolerate these types of behaviours.
You wouldn’t waste your time with someone who isn’t helping you build a future, not making you feel loved, doesn’t value your opinions, constantly justifying they are worth it & preventing you from growing. I know we make sacrifices on each side to keep each other happy, but don’t lose your whole life to someone who isn’t giving the same type of energy back. Just like how you will give the best time of love, who you love should do the same back to you.