Conflict avoidance is not the hallmark of a good relationship. On the contrary, it is a symptom of serious problems and poor communication.
– Harriet B. Braiker
Intro:
Whenever you go on a first date with someone, this most iconic question will always come up. “what do you look for in a relationship?” The typical answer you will hear is trust, communication & loyalty. Sometimes someone will say a provider if you are still on the old school wave. But we are in 2022 now; being a provider is solely based on how both partners feel about it.
Let me ask you this.. how do relationships usually end? It’s not during the good/peak times; it’s generally during the bad times. It could be a lack of communication, trust, personality differences, or low overall relationship satisfaction. It tends to end when emotions are high during an argument, but why do these happen?
We can agree that dating somebody who was “toxic” during the high moments was the best time with that person. However, when the dark times came… well… let’s say it was awful.
I’m about to teach you the hidden C no one talks about. An answer you should give whenever you speak to someone about what you look for in relationships. The golden answer is Compromise.
How Compromise Helps With Tension During The Argument:
A compromise is a form of communication. However, when people talk about communication in a relationship, Compromise is not what they envision. Arguments become one-sided if you and your partner can’t reach a mutual agreement when a problem arises. When this happens, the other partner or yourself will feel like your opinion and feelings mean nothing. So let the countdown to the end begin.
Tensions start to get high and frustration starts surrounding you and your partner. Talking to your partner in a disrespectful tone and saying things you don’t mean won’t solve the issue. As a matter of fact, it will worsen the situation & also make it harder to get your point across. Your energy is very crucial during an argument. They say the energy you put in the universe will return to you. So if your energy is hostile, expect a hostile response. I’m sure when we are in a problem, we are trying to solve it, not make it last longer. If you know you are full of negative energy at the moment, you should tell your partner. Tell them you need some space to collect your thoughts and calm down as well; they should do the same.
I’m sure we all came across a person who tends to get vulgar whenever in an argument. Their words become more aggressive & boisterous. What would you usually do in this situation? First, you would remove yourself from the conversation that is going nowhere and is one-sided. You typically don’t want to be around someone loud all the time. (Unless you do, I don’t know what to say, maybe I’m too much of an introvert).
So now imagine when you are already agitated & can’t even get your point across because they are too busy wanting to be right. Depending on your type of person, you can take the confrontational approach where you two would go back and forth. However, I bet you any money; nobody will “win” the debate. Alternatively, you can take the subtle approach and avoid the conversation altogether.
When you say things you don’t mean to someone who is already agitated, they will think you are being serious. Depending on what you say, it can change the relationship’s dynamic. Go in a direction you don’t want it to go because of something you didn’t mean to say. So it’s essential to be respectful to your partner during these times as they should be doing the same for you.
Being Agreeable:
I have to admit; that I like to say I’m a logical thinker. If I can’t see any logical sense behind what you are saying, it’s hard for me to understand your viewpoint. Producing factual information to me is the best way to get your point across. I remember I dated this one girl. During our so-called “debate,” I gave her some new information about the topic she was discussing. However, after I presented her with the data/info, she said, “well, this is my opinion, and it will never change.”
Saying this, immediately made me think, “the person believes they’re open-minded, yet they are saying things like this?” Yes, you are always free to your own opinion, but if you already have a mental block on your beliefs… well, it’s going to be a long road for you when it comes to relationships. Even though I’m a logical thinker, I like hearing someone’s perspective on specific topics because I don’t have all the answers to everything. I could be missing some vital information about the topic that can completely change my mind about it.
The issue is that the majority of people nowadays have an ego and never want to admit that they are wrong at first. We tend to try and convince the other person that they are wrong and never look to see if we are at fault. The goal of compromising is to have a mutual understanding of both perspectives. You are not trying to convert your partner into why you are right, but for them to understand why you think/feel the way you do about the situation. However, relationships are a two-way street (come on, no one likes one-way streets unless you are crazy.) Since you are trying to let your partner understand where you are coming from, you have to show decency & listen to them when they are getting their point across.
There is a fine line between being agreeable and being too agreeable. You also need to have a mind for yourself. Unfortunately, we live in a dating era where people love to manipulate the situation for their gain. I think we both can agree that we have all been in a case where instead of arguing back with our partner, we cave in and agree with what they were saying just so the conversation wouldn’t escalate further.
This is a very unhealthy way of communicating with your partner. Being a pushover does not strengthen your relationship. (We will learn how Compromise can improve your relationship in the next major point.) On the contrary, it makes it unbalanced and feeble. If you ever feel that you have to suppress your objections or find it challenging to communicate with your partner openly, this shows the relationship’s disparity. If this situation is not resolved and becomes the norm, it will eventually become a habit in the relationship & become harder for you to voice your opinion. The circumstances will become worse if your partner is closed-minded.
So it is essential, dear, do I say… crucial… to establish that boundary with your partner in the beginning stages of the relationship, like how a seed grows in the ground over time with the right amount of sunlight, water and consistency. After that, your relationship will act the same. As long as you and your partner continue to communicate with an open mind, respect & love, your relationship will flourish & blossom into a healthy one.
Compromise Strengthens The Relationship
I found a quote that was too good not to say for this particular situation. “Trust is the glue of life. It is the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” – Stephen R. Covey. Let’s start with that no one should be sacrificing their happiness to make their partner happy. Relationships that thrive learn the concept of negotiating with your partner (respectfully) so both desires can find a mutual conclusion.
Everything comes down to the foundation of the relationship. If you have a weak foundation which consists of insecurity, lack of patience & or emotional instability, at some point, it will fall apart. As Mr. Covey said, trust is like a glue that maintains and holds the relationship together. This means that despite your differences or perspectives, you know you can trust your partner at the end of the day. Trial and error are when you learn the most; it’s what makes us human. Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws that we can work on, and sometimes it takes another person’s viewpoint to help you understand and assess a situation better.
I’m a firm believer in your partner being your best friend (I will go more into depth about why that’s the case in another post, so stay tuned for that, I don’t want to ramble on forever.) We both can agree that communication is vital in a relationship. Communication builds trust, which then, with that trust, creates a bond. With that bond, it starts to build a foundation. Then, the foundation becomes more robust over time, practicing and going over this process. Once you pass the honeymoon stage and problems or even disputes start happening more frequently, it’s at these moments where your relationship is put to the test. The majority of people feel like the relationship is very strong or at a very high peak in the beginning. But that’s just the honeymoon stage champagne kicking in still from the thrill of being with someone you genuinely like.
Just like everyone’s version of love is different (we will discuss this in more detail in another post), so is our perspective on specific subjects/problems. When you and your partner can overcome the hurdle of being able to understand each other’s viewpoints on a subject (even in general), as well as being able to agree on a solution together, problem-solving will be effortless. Do you know how they say two heads are better than one?
This also applies when communicating with your partner. Imagine being able to complete a task with your partner when you both have the same mindset/approach to a problem. It makes the problem disappear faster. Not only does this solve the situation you two are experiencing, but it also starts to build something everyone wants in a relationship… trust. You’ll become more confident in your partner’s decision-making abilities because you know that the action they are taking will have both interests at heart. It’ll not be a selfish choice.
Compromise helps build a relationship and brings you and your partner closer together as a team than any high moment can ever give you. You two feel that you can depend on each other through the most challenging times & I’m sure we can agree that to find somebody who can genuinely help you through your most difficult times is a rate to find these days.
Conclusion
“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend to compromise, to give something up to gain something better.”
– Sarah Dessen
I’ve seen other quotes where they will say things like “don’t compromise on how you want to be loved.” Or “if you constantly compromise, how can you realize your true potential?” I saw these quotes and was like… this is very interesting… if you are doing these things, this is not a compromise. Yes, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good, but when it comes to compromising, you also have to be reasonable as well as your partner. Sacrificing true potential should not even be in the discussion, and everyone deserves to be loved based on how they want to be loved. HOWEVER…. If you are not willing to sacrifice some things as well, be open-minded or even reasonable… I will say this… unfortunately, don’t expect your relationship to last…
Every relationship will have difficult times and differences, but the most important thing is how you address them. Please don’t be selfish and stay indulged in your beliefs; it’s okay to be wrong at times….. Sometimes people can see things that you don’t. So that’s why it’s always important to listen with a clear mind & have your partner do the same to you because mutual understanding will strengthen & make any relationship last.