“No one can understand love who has not experienced infatuation. And no one can understand infatuation, no matter how many times he/she has experienced it.” – Mignon McLaughin
THE ILLUSION
How bad can infatuation be? Have you ever had a friend who texted or called you telling you how a date went? They’ll say things like, “Oh my god, they treated me out to dinner, everything they were saying was good, very mindful, talked about the future, this might be the one!” Then, however, maybe around 3-6 months later, you get a phone call from the same friend saying, “wow, they are different from when I met them. They are never on time, very controlling, never ask to go out, and we argue all the time now. I don’t understand what is going on.”
They say love is blind. I’m afraid I have to disagree. Infatuation is blind. Love makes you see things; it’s like all-seeing as well as its acceptance. You are accepting flaws and coming to terms with them. Infatuation is the opposite. Infatuation is an illusion that makes you believe that you love someone for who they are, but once you start to see the “real” personality, you start to become turned off and wonder why you are in this position.
Most of the time, this happens when you start talking to someone you like. It’s more of a rarity for it not to happen. The comparison I want to make is that you are in a love abyss. Everything the person is saying is right; I got tunnel vision and only saw the green flags. We are all guilty of this. Can you blame anyone for being stereotypically human in this situation?
I broke it down into three key points: why infatuation is such a common occurrence and potential ways of not falling for the illusion. The three categories or stages of infatuation we experience are the common misconceptions we struggle with, the reality check of being too optimistic and how we compare present partners to previous ones.
AN INFATUATION OVERDOSE
People like to confuse the two and can’t tell the difference in the beginning. This is why we have the “honeymoon stage,” This usually happens at the beginning of a relationship because you are on an emotional high. You are excited about getting to know the person & when you keep discovering more about the person and being around them, it excites you more and keeps fuelling the high you are getting. It’s like when you try new food for the first time; you get excited by its smell and appearance. Then when you like it, you keep indulging in it & then eventually…. it becomes everyday food. Finally, you start to feel mediocre about getting it now.
Infatuation is almost the same process… your dopamine levels are super high, you become very optimistic & you enter this dream world of possibilities with this partner. This high will last longer when you have previously experienced traumatic relationships. Your mind is so fixated on the chance that the person you are currently talking to is the right one for you. So what tends to happen is the red flags become more blurry or a problem that you believe will be fixed on its own.
I can’t blame anyone for being optimistic and hoping for the best out of the situation. Being open-minded to a new concept and belief generally makes someone more captivating. Based on our past experiences, when you’ve been in multiple relationships, you start comparing the new person you are talking to and the people before. Most people do this consciously, and others do it subconsciously.
Don’t get me wrong… this fantasy world feels fantastic and likes it will last forever. But, as you already know, not all dreams can become a reality.
THE REALITY OF INFATUATION
This is a piece of advice I firmly tell my friends whenever they go out on dates or have been dating someone for some time. We want this person to exceed our previous partners (well, obviously), so we set a certain standard/threshold for them to overcome. When they fail to pass your expectations, we have this tendency to say they were the problem and it’s not our fault. I guess my question to you is, how is it their fault when they are just being who they are? Unless they used a facade the whole time, that’s a different story. We’ll circle back to the “facade” thing eventually.
On second thought, let’s talk about people having a facade when communications first start. I tend to hear this more from my female friends than my male friends (just being honest here). We need to remember that we live in a time where being likeable to everyone is something people strive for. That goes for friendships, family and relationships. So how do infatuation and someone pulling a facade related?
Let’s begin with one of my previous statements, being likeable to everyone. Unfortunately, we also live in a harsh reality where people believe in the phrase “fake it till you make it.” Certain people know their personality can be unattractive to others. With the help of social media today, we set a certain standard for having a healthy relationship. You’ll see people post about what to do and what not to do with your partner. There are good people out there who watch these videos to give them a better understanding of how to become a good partner for their significant other. However, there are also people who have bad intentions as well that watch these videos.
Unfortunately, telling if someone is genuine towards you can be a hard task. The only good side to someone using a facade to get you to like them is that it can’t last forever. The downside to that is the time invested in that person.
Is it possible to avoid this? Mmm, not really; it’s very natural to feel this way. My only advice when you know you are feeling this way will be to take some time & think/analyze. Do some self-reflection & ask yourself “can it be like this forever?” Now I’m not saying to look for problems that aren’t there (too many people do this as well); it’s best to not go in with high expectations and go with the flow of things. When you set high expectations on somebody, especially without them not knowing, the majority of the time, it will end in disappointment. I also like to say that it’s not fair for you to set high expectations on someone you know for a short period as I’m sure you will feel like it’s not fair if they did the same to you.
Past Experiences
Okay, so we talked about how it’s a common phrase everyone goes through and how we get a reality check in time. Now let’s talk about the root of all these problems. Oh yeah, bring on the exes to the stand. Depending on the previous circumstances you experienced with previous partners, it’s hard to get over certain trauma. We carry mental baggage that stays with us over time if we don’t give ourselves a chance to heal. So how do your past experiences relate to being infatuated with someone?
Firstly, let’s discuss the mental comparison between previous partners and the current. We can’t tell if we have a good partner in front of us without some experience. What I mean by this is our past encounters moulds our mentality. It is into what we want and don’t want in a relationship. However, these experiences can come with some backlash. Depending on the situation and toxicity you experienced, it can create some subconscious mental barriers. An example of these effects can be an increase in anxiety or trouble trusting others when entering new relationships.
So how does infatuation correlate to any of this? People who have experienced dreadful relationships tend to be more optimistic when trying to enter a new one. Let’s not get it twisted. I don’t mean they trust the person. What I mean by this is we try to forget what we went through. We know what we experienced isn’t the norm and also believe not all potential partners are like previous partners. So when we come across someone whose starting to tick off all the good boxes “for a while” (in quotation for a reason), we start having an emotional attachment. However, the attachment is not to the person at first, but to the verbal and physical affection they provide. The feeling we wanted to have in the previous relationships that we never got and were longing for.
This is what can make being infatuated by someone really dangerous. As I said earlier in the post, people can just look online now to see what makes a good “partner.” Every day,y social media promotes ways to create a guideline for a perfect relationship. So when you have people who like to manipulate and take advantage of people, they look at these “shortcuts.” It’s really unfortunate, but it is how the dating world is nowadays. The process is more complex and complicated for genuine people looking for legitimate relationships.
CONCLUSION
“Infatuation is measured in pleasure. Love is measured in pain. Behold the value of pain!” – Anthony Marais
This quote is a pretty accurate statement about the difference between infatuation and love. When you most enjoy something, it’s usually in the beginning stages of it, like a new video game, new food (as said earlier), or a new hobby. Almost anything you do now and enjoy, you will have fun in that particular for a set of time. Over time you might not do it as much but continue to do it because you still enjoy it. Is it as much as the first time? Of course not. Infatuation works the same way.
You know that saying, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? Unfortunately for the majority of people, this isn’t the case. The excitement of something new always intrigues us. It’s human nature. Not only are we social creatures, but new things also entice us. This is why we come out with a new car and phone every year. I’m sure we all met someone who would get the new iPhone just to get the latest one. (Still mad about the headphones situation with them… but I digress…)
Not everything new is good for us. Sometimes new things create new problems. We have to be mindful whenever entering a new situation. Meeting new people is always fun; I’ll never say to stop trying to see new people. I would say the opposite. When you meet new people, you meet new personalities, demographics, and interests. Over time, you would see a collection of personalities and even certain personality trends that you can cipher through. This would help with your ideal partner. When you see certain character traits coming out in the beginning stages of knowing someone, you would be able to tell and almost predict how the person would be in the future.
Now I know I am coming back to this, but I feel the last quote really does talk about the difference between infatuation and love in a nutshell. With infatuation, we are so busy being happy and enjoying the moment that we forget what real love looks like. I’m not saying you won’t get the full enjoyment in real love, but with genuine love, there is also pain and sacrifice. As much as we want to avoid pain, maybe because of past experiences, it will come at some point. It is just a matter of when & also a reason why compromise is really important. (Definitely check that post out!). Infatuation is a feeling that is hard to resist; I’m definitely a victim of this and many others.