Four Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship

“It is better for someone to break your heart once by leaving your life, than for them to stay in your life and break your heart continually.”

Intro

In last week’s article, we discussed five tips on securing a secure relationship and the difference between a healthy and unhealthy one. We discussed how important it is to have trust, support, communication, respect and being able to be yourself. These five traits produce an organic and healthy relationship between partners. Just browsing the internet the other day & was just curious, what percentage of people are in happy marriages or relationships? One article stated that in the US, about 10 percent of people live happily in their marriages. A second article I read was about teens; a poll in 2017 stated that over 60 percent of teens stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships. 

If we think about this, these numbers are pretty scary when you think about it. We are expecting to be with someone who genuinely makes us happy. So how did we come to this? How are we struggling to try to be in healthy relationships? People will state that it’s someone’s upbringing, as in their background. This can make sense; if you are used to seeing unhealthy habits at a young age, in your mind, you’ll think that’s the norm. Until you educate yourself, you’ll just be using those same practices on the person you love because that’s what you visually experienced.  

Tonight or today (depending on when you read this), we will talk about four signs that you are most likely in an unhealthy relationship. Firstly, we are going to start with dishonesty. Secondly, we have controlling/possessive behaviours or tendencies. Thirdly, we have insecurities and how it relates to the first two points. Fourthly, we have codependency. Lastly, we have emotional avoidance. 

Dishonesty

Let’s start with the answer we all think about when we first think about an unhealthy relationship. The trust issue is that it’s supposed to feel like a two-way street. So when we start to feel our partner is doing something dishonest, we start questioning all their actions. Especially when you are the type of person that believes “actions speak louder than words.” It’s hard to maintain an intimate connection with someone who makes you question their motives. If you suspect your partner’s motives, trust is already lost.

Sometimes you might believe what they say at the moment, but the answer will never be with confidence. I remember talking to one of my close friends because of a situation I was experiencing. Whenever my partner (at that time) made a promise to me, I couldn’t fully believe it. My gut feeling felt so strong that it was tough to ignore. Then my friend told me, and I will never forget it. “If you feel this anxiety and believe your partner is cheating on you, they most likely are. When you emotionally/mentally start reaching those levels, something is wrong. You don’t think of this randomly.”

I knew in my situation that my partner had been deceptive at times and would also do small lies. Usually, when people lie about the small things, they will lie about the big ones. We also need to remember that lying to protect someone’s feelings is actually not a good thing. It means you don’t trust your partner enough to understand you and are scared of the consequences. As we know as well, open communication is essential in a relationship. 

Controlling Behaviour

When we have a partner, we love showing them to our friends and family. They say to protect your loved ones, but a possessive lover… well, can be a very interesting individual. My friend told me that once, he was in a relationship with a partner, and they would get jealous of him hugging other women. Even sometimes, the partner would hug him first before the other person could have. This is an example of a possessive lover. Even when you are out, and they are constantly messaging you, knowing you are out with friends is another example.

When someone acts possessive, it’s generally not your fault; it’s their protective safeguard and fear of losing you to someone they think is better for you. This is where trust becomes very important. It eliminates the fear of losing your partner because you trust them to do the right thing. Sometimes a little reassurance to your partner can help with their attachment anxiety.

Suppose your partner tends to move fast in the relationship (like wanting to move in with each other quickly). In that case, it can signify possessive behaviour and a potentially unhealthy relationship; however, we also need to remember that our partner can be coming from a history where there was much abandonment. Not just in relationships, but potentially in friendships and with family.

Insecurity

I will credit social media for making this trait substantially more common than it has to be. We try to model our relationships based on the images and videos we see on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat & others. Okay, I won’t ramble on because I can go for days talking about the influence of social media on relationships. So nowadays, we usually feel more confident whenever someone compliments us. The attention we receive (good or bad) is more of the fact that we are attractive in someone else’s eyes. It makes you feel that you are doing something right.

The thing is that it shouldn’t be this way. Self-love is the most important love of all. When you love yourself, you’ll finally realize that what people think about you doesn’t matter. That’s insecurity for the relationship with yourself, but what about if your partner is?

You’ll see multiple unhealthy traits displayed throughout the relationship, maybe even little things you don’t realize. One good example is they’ll want you to spend all your free time with them. I’m not saying spending your free time with them is terrible, but just like in life, there needs to be a balance. Sometimes, it can be severe to the point where they’ll manipulate the situation into making you feel guilty for not seeing them. They’ll make you feel you don’t want them even though you are just trying to have free time for friends, family and even yourself. 

Codependency

So with codependency, this can somewhat be linked with controlling behaviour and insecurity. They go hand and hand with each other. When a partner starts using controlling behaviour habits, it’s usually related to their insecurities & that’s why they’ll act that way. When you have a partner that feels insecure about themselves, they become emotionally dependent on you. They can’t feel good without hearing from you or receiving a compliment.

Unfortunately, this is unhealthy. The words you say to them throughout the day can drive their emotions. They don’t value their self-worth and need to hear from their “loved one” that they are fine. So it’s hard to establish personal boundaries in this situation since they depend on you emotionally. Even in relationships, self-care and self-growth are important. So if you are getting to a point where you start feeling guilty for doing things without your partner or feel wrong for not being with them every day, these are signs of codependency. Especially when you cancel plans continuously just to spend time with your partner.

I’m sure we all came across situations where we constantly chose to be with our partner over our friends/family. Mainly because you want it to feel like that; they are important. If you try to set boundaries with your partner and they refuse or try to manipulate the situation into stating that you don’t care for them, this is a severe sense of codependency. 

Conclusion

“You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.”

We went over four signs of unhealthy relationship traits. As the stat said earlier in this post, most relationships we see nowadays are unfortunately in a bad state. We put smiles on our faces, pretending our relationship is perfect, but deep down, we know the truth. It’s okay; there’s no relationship in the world that is perfect. We all stress and go through problems. What’s most important is how you and your partner handle them. 

For someone who is dealing with dishonesty, this one is going to be a little tricky. As I said in my point earlier, trust your instincts/gut feelings. There’s a reason your gut has you feeling that way. However, if you are being dishonest or you do it because your partner does it, it doesn’t make you much better than them. We don’t want to be a hypocrite in this situation. Stay true to yourself. If you look online, you’ll probably see things like leaving your partner or forgiving and trying to rebuild.

The thing is, it comes down to you and how you feel. Despite the lying, only you know your partner best and how much you can put up with. So, it’s up to you if you want to forgive and continue. If you want to hear my opinion? Well, if the partner isn’t defensive about their lying & is working on themselves to be more truthful, then I will give it another chance. I believe in self-reflection and self-improvement as long as the partner is willing to do it. 

For someone who is dealing with controlling behaviour, this will be a hard one to overcome. Generally, we don’t know the root of the problem except only it’s a type of insecurity. It can range from the fear of abandonment, rejection and powerlessness. Due to these things, they feel unwanted, which creates an environment of low self-worth and self-love. Have an honest conversation with your partner about how you feel their attitude affects you. This is important. An important trait in a relationship is being able to compromise. If your partner can not see the issue or tries to manipulate the situation, that’s a sign they won’t change. At that moment, you must decide if you still want to be in the relationship or not. 

For someone dealing with insecurity, it’s almost as challenging to deal with as someone with a controlling personality. These two are pretty related because people with controlling behaviour usually stem from their insecurities. However, to start with this begins with communication. Communicate with your partner and let them know they have your full attention. Their opinion and feelings do matter. It would help if you considered them as they should do the same for you. Just like how trust is a two-way street, so is communicating with each other.

Any negative thoughts they have, let them express and see why they feel the way they do. Then reaffirm to them that there is nothing to worry about. This issue won’t get solved overnight; it will take some time. The important thing is that you are taking steps to create a healthy relationship. As I’m sure, no one wants to be in an unhealthy one. 

For someone who is dealing with codependency, showing some reassurance to your partner can help heal this issue. Telling them, you will be there for them whenever they need you. There is no need to always spend your free time with each other instead, help them establish relationships with other people. When they feel genuine love from their peers or family, it will boost their confidence. With that boost of confidence, they’ll appreciate their self-worth and gain more self-love for themselves.