“Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.”
Intro
Toxic relationships… it’s very interesting because when I was younger.. (maybe I was naive), I always thought toxic relationships were a rarity. So the chances of you hearing about one is slim and so forth.
As I get older and hear other people’s stories, I’ve realized, “oh wow, these are way more common than I realize.” This goes for friends I talk to & potential dating partners. Then, unfortunately, (inserts sad face emoji) I had my fair share of dealing with toxic relationships.
Toxic histories lead to potential toxic futures:
Good ole baggage… the memories that love to leave a scar on our hearts… We meet someone new, start to get excited & when the blood starts pumping, it starts to reopen those scars. We feel the pain of those scars, and it reminds us of why we are in such emotional hurt. Then we begin to question the person with who we are experiencing a good time, wondering if it’s genuine.
Since we can’t come to a complete answer, we dwell on our past relationships where it was good in the beginning, and now you are where you are. Now the pain reminds you of where you are coming from; doubt starts to enter your mind. You begin to believe this can be another heartbreaking situation since you have been through it already.
Toxic High & Lows:
In one of my previous posts, I shared a statistic that even shocked me. That 60 percent of teens decide to stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships. Why do we stay? It makes no sense, right? When we think of toxicity, we think of the negative moments. Like irrational arguments, gaslighting, and blaming one another & as we know, this list can go on forever.
Like there are low toxic moments, there are also highly toxic moments. What I mean by high toxic moments are memories that made you enjoy and love your partner, to begin with. You remember the dopamine rushes you felt during those moments and the oxytocin during the intimate ones. The feelings and effects become stronger when there’s a history of a lack of love.
Lack of affection in previous relationships:
We are now in an era where attention equals validation. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is. So here’s the problem. When attention equals validation, that little bit of attention you receive makes you feel you are worth something. That you were worthy of someone’s time and effort, so here’s the issue with this, when we are younger & have been exposed to maltreatment or feeling neglect when we are younger, it can lead to unhealthy and lengthy consequences.
These consequences? Since we receive a lack of affection when we are younger, we won’t know what healthy attention looks like. So when we experience toxic energies from our partner, we don’t know how to react correctly. As much as we hate to say it, we all want to feel loved or wanted by somebody. This is why having a healthy relationship with your parents at an early age can help with this.
Knowing the difference between healthy attention and toxic attention is crucial. Staying in a toxic environment just because you feel “wanted” by somebody should never be a reason to stay in a relationship.
Sympathy (Believing in Change):
This is where the toxic highs & lows moments can really hurt. On the one hand, when things are going well & you see your partner at their best, you believe there can be a future. On the other hand, however, when the toxic moments come, you wonder why you are even in the relationship. So when we get to this state of wondering why we are still in the relationship with this person. You start to reminisce about the good memories that started it all.
Hope starts knocking on our door and playing with your emotional strings when we start doing this (I feel like we are all guilty of this). We become so blinded by these happy memories to the point we go into denial when we see that partner’s true character. It is painful to see it & even more painful to accept it. This is something not to be ashamed of. A good majority of people experience this (or you could be one of the lucky ones and haven’t.)
Conclusion
“You are the sun. But you can only warm a body when it steps into the light.”
There are more reasons why we stay in toxic relationships. The four I stated tonight are the ones through experiences (not just mine) and are the most common reasons why we do stay. If you are like me, you are not a quitter. You usually want to follow through with things to the end & not want to give up on someone. Especially when they have high potential and you know you can see it.
We also must remember that if the person is not open to seeing this “potential,” there’s only so much you can do. Your partner has to be willing to change their character for the better. If you ever have this conversation with them, remind them that this change isn’t just for the relationship but relationship within themselves as well.
On a side note, my apologies for the delay in posts. According to the surgeon, my wisdom teeth surgery recovery is taking much longer than expected, and I needed more rest. Unfortunately, some other things came up along the way… Life right? I know I was doing one post a week before, but I think it’s time we switched it up to twice a week :). I appreciate the support from everyone & will continue this journey with you.