Introduction
“Be honest with who you are, what you want and how you want to be treated. Boundaries only scare off the people that were not meant to be in your life.”
– Shannon L. Alder
Usually, in life, when we grow up, we set certain boundaries for ourselves, which makes us set in our own ways. Certain things we love, such as opinions, foods, vibes, and even people we can feel strongly for. Once we love something, we’ll wholeheartedly believe this is what’s right because it feels right. We then embody this belief and set it as a standard or, in other words, “a boundary.”
So what happens when someone challenges this boundary? Are they right to challenge your opinion? The truth about opinions is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion; however, it doesn’t mean It’s correct because you believe it is.
So, how do we approach this conversation on someone’s boundaries maturely? Let’s look at a few techniques to establish healthy boundaries in a relationship.
Respect For Each Other’s Differences
There’s no couple in the world where they are on the same page all the time. Like how our DNAs are different, so are our personalities. There is no replica of you out there. There’s going to be moments of disagreement. How you handle the conversation is what makes all the difference.
If your partner states they strongly dislike something, allow them to explain themselves before combatting it. See why it triggers them. Sometimes, it’s not about being the correct one but understanding where these feelings come from. Knowing the source of this belief is an important piece. Talking negatively to your partner or treating them disrespectfully because you believe they are not smart enough to understand what you are trying to say can damage the emotional connection between you two. If it gets to the point where you feel as though you can’t talk about specific topics with your partner because, in your mind, you believe they won’t respect your opinion or hear you out, a boundary will be necessary.
Having a fear of sharing your views or opinions because of your partner’s responses is an unhealthy way of growing as a couple. Open communication helps relationship strives because there’s no mental or emotional block preventing the uncertainty. You know that if an issue arises, you will be able to talk about it maturely and clear up the issue at hand without thinking it will be one-sided.
Being Considerate
This is similar to the point above: you should date someone respectful, apologize when they are wrong, or someone who communicates or is still learning how to communicate. One of the purest forms of love is being considerate. Thinking about how your partner would feel in certain situations or decisions you made would make them comfortable and give them more confidence in you. They’ll become more comfortable with you and more trusting because they know you have their best interests at heart.
So even when you post pictures doing certain activities, we must remember that whenever you are out in public, you also represent your partner wherever you go and vice versa. This is where we need to learn to be selfless. As much as we want to live our own lives, when we make the decision to share it with someone else, their thoughts and feelings have to be taken into consideration.
Time Spent Together
Spending time with your loved one is a feeling we all love to have. Waking up beside each other, just them even sleeping peacefully beside you, makes you smile. Their presence gives you more life. When they leave, the consistent feeling you get from them being around starts to fade. You can’t get through the day properly because your partner is constantly on your mind. There is nothing wrong with missing your partner. However, it does become problematic if it gets to the point where it affects your daily routine/life.
Yes, when we come together in a relationship, the goal is to become one unit, but you shouldn’t entirely sacrifice who you are as an individual to make it happen. You won’t be true to yourself and will be doing your partner a disservice. The reason is that they aren’t loving the real you. It won’t be genuine love, and it’ll create problems in the future. Letting go of codependency and having your own identity is what creates the relationship unique. You’ll both be able to see each other’s weaknesses and strengths clearly. On top of that, be able to help each other grow in the areas where they can see you need help in and vice versa.
No Power Struggle
We have this mentality where we don’t like being told what to do if it doesn’t suit us. Naturally, we believe we know what’s best for us. Without proper self-reflection or having a lack of self-awareness, it’s hard to properly understand what’s healthy for you because you wouldn’t know yourself.
When we enter relationships, we get into an emotional mutual agreement that we will protect each other. Give each other guidance, communicate openly and be willing to compromise on both sides. Remember in the last paragraph where I stated we naturally don’t like being told what to do? In a relationship, if you are not keen on listening to your partner, they will feel that their opinion is not validated and wanted. When this starts happening, it’ll start to put a strain on the communication in the relationship. As stated in a previous post, open communication is one of the most significant foundations for maintaining a healthy relationship.
When we choose to be in a relationship, it’s also the choice of being vulnerable and intimate with each other and allowing someone who has access to see us fully and honestly. The flaws and growth that made you into the person you are today. Being able to do this with some requires a tremendous amount of courage and trust. The connection becomes profound when you find someone with whom you can be completely genuine, intimate, and safe.
There won’t be any need for a constant battle to persuade you or your partner when they want to communicate with you about something. That emotional bond will teach you that their words have as much significance as yours. Deep down, you will know that they want what’s best for you.
Understanding Each Other’s Communication Styles
Everyone learns differently. We have people who learn more when it is self-taught, visual learners, repetitive practice, and so on. As previously stated, we mentioned that we should be considerate and respectful towards our partners when trying to communicate. Sometimes, when people want to voice their opinions that they feel strongly about, the tone usually appears more aggressive.
Since that is the case, certain people get uncomfortable with the fact they can not talk to their partner since their partner is constantly talking over them. So, they will shut down because they feel their thoughts and ideas will get dismissed. It’s important to set boundaries where both parties can communicate evenly, be heard and be acknowledged.
There are about five different love languages we like to say. Are there any communication languages? Let’s brainstorm; let’s start with empathy. Understanding someone’s point of view and why they feel the way they do. You are putting yourself in someone’s shoes and gaining a different perspective. Secondly, you have conflict resolution. Are you able to resolve conflict peacefully & and fairly? Are you accommodating, collaboratively & and compromising on the solution together? The tone of voice: When you are speaking your thoughts (or your partner’s), are you speaking in a non-hostile or aggressive way? Or is it easy and receptive for you or your partner to engage in and give feedback?
We can get more in-depth with this, but we will save it for another post. I just wanted to give some examples of communication styles that can help maintain your relationship & create healthy boundaries.
Conclusion
“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.”
It’s unfortunate that setting “healthy” boundaries needs to be a topic of discussion. We’ve been so set in our ways that it’s hard to compromise later. Since we have grown up in a certain way, it makes it difficult for us to see another perspective because that’s how we survived life till this day.
Maturity is about being humble, kind, confident and self-aware of your worth without arrogance. As well as good connections being ruined over the simple fact of miscommunication or not wanting to communicate at all. That’s why it is important to develop and grow your emotional maturity. You can create these good connections & due to the self-growth, communicate.
Experiencing relationship trauma can create a significant impact on what you value as boundaries in a relationship. Suppose you haven’t healed from these past traumas. In that case, you’re either doomed to replay those mistakes, as in letting people overstep your boundaries and take advantage of you, or self-sabotaging the new relationship due to fear of your past situations happening again.
We must remember these five steps to create a healthy environment for both partners. Respecting each other’s differences shows that you value your partner’s mentality. When we establish this, it makes it easier to communicate with each other without no fear of any prejudice occurring. Being considerate shows you respect your partner’s feelings. You are not only thinking of yourself. Spending quality time with each other creates good chemistry and starts to create an emotional bond.
However, this works when you aren’t always smothering each other. Giving each other space, still keeping your individuality, so you continue to value each other’s differences and the time spent together. You are not trying to constantly fight for superiority over who’s the lead/alpha in the relationship. Lastly, understanding each other’s communication styles so that when communicating or compromising, the difficulty in receiving and recognizing what each other is trying to say is less stressful.
Committing to a relationship takes time and effort on both sides. Establishing boundaries early in the relationship sets the standard for how both parties treat each other and move forward effectively.
Do you think there are more ways to set healthy boundaries? If so, please comment below!
Starting with empathy is so important.
Doing everything together respectfully. Representing the unit!