“For most people, blaming others is a subconscious mechanism for avoiding accountability. In reality, the only thing in your way is YOU.”
— Steve Maraboli
Intro
Accountability, accountability, good ole’ accountability. The friend we want to deal with in spurts or never at all. I’m sure we all got friends like that. The one who talks some sense into us when we are not behaving logically or during our crazy stunts. It gets pretty annoying to hear it, but in all reality… do we need to listen to it? I’ll let your conscience decide that one for you.
Every day we make decisions that change the course of our lives. Specific actions cause inevitable consequences. When the results are good, we believe and trust that we did the right thing. When the consequences are negative, we tend to blame the surrounding environment or something associated with the choice. We naturally hate to admit to ourselves we made the wrong choice, so we always look elsewhere first.
This is just human nature to shift blame onto others before we look at ourselves. So why are we like this? Hard to say. Except knowing that we also naturally don’t like to be wrong.
Fear of Rejection
We live in a society where we rather fit in the crowd than stand out. We feel more courageous and heartfelt when others accept us. I mean, who doesn’t want to be loved, right? The issue with accountability is that everyone has a fear of being exposed. Someone who has low self-esteem or confidence will view themselves as a failure, a bad person, or a fraud.
Is this a healthy way to live? Of course not. Not only would you be lying to others by not showing who you really are, but above all, you will be lying to yourself. Think of it this way, you are following what everyone else does so you can be part of a group because you don’t want to be an outcast or fraud… but by doing this… doesn’t this already make you a fraud? People say the truth always comes to light. A charade can never last forever. They usually fail by either someone noticing something or someone who isn’t being honest eventually reveals themself over time.
So the main question for this is…. How do we overcome this fear? It starts with you. We have to remember that you can’t please everyone. As much as you want to help or be liked by everyone, is someone bound to dislike you? Guess what? That’s okay. The important thing is that you stay true to yourself.
Once you do that, no mental or emotional baggage can hold you back from expressing who you are. Also, when you do this, you’ll create a positive, vibrant presence that people will be attracted to. It will get to the point they will want to be around you. You should never have to go out of your way to keep somebody in your life. You got to learn and be okay with losing whoever is OK with losing you. Loving yourself first is always important.
Fear of Loss
When something is going well, we try our best not to mess it up. But, as humans, we aren’t perfect, so that we will make mistakes from time to time. This holds more weight when in a relationship. After talking with multiple friends, I keep hearing one common theme… the partner tends to shift the blame. Sometimes they will shift the blame to the other partner or another person/thing.
Here’s one example… my friend was in an argument with her partner. Bluntly stated that he doesn’t treat her with respect & doesn’t seem to care for her. The partner apologized but said, “I feel like I don’t treat you properly because of the issues I have with my mom.” Since he doesn’t get along with his mom, he can not love a woman properly.
I’ve seen women give them the benefit of the doubt & proceed forward with their partner. What tends to happen is that discussion will happen again within a few months. Usually, my friend wonders why this keeps coming up… it comes down to emotional maturity. When you enable this type of behaviour, you give the guy in the situation a scapegoat to use whenever this issue arises.
How does this relate to accountability? It actually goes to both sides of this situation. Firstly for the man in this situation, this is a manipulative technique to make the woman feel guilty for an “issue” he apparently can’t help. If this is an issue for you, then as a man, you should not be entering or entertaining a relationship. This is an emotional baggage you can only fix on your own & can’t depend on your partner to heal. You will have to find that inner self that will help you mentally and emotionally understand what you are doing and grow as an individual.
Now the plot twist is how is a woman accountable for this when she isn’t the one with the issue? Agreeing and moving on is enabling this behaviour which is unhealthy. Women generally love to be catered to and nurtured. At the same time, they love to give out love to someone who they believe deserves it. So when emotions get involved, it’s harder to leave the situation. They’ll rather stay and try to help their partner overcome this problem. They have hope that their love can possibly lead their partner to the right path. Unfortunately, I have always said this, change is only possible if the person acknowledges it and is willing to work on it.
Now I’m not saying you are as wrong as your partner, but you also owe it to yourself that these types of excuses are unacceptable. You are responsible for your own life, and since your partner isn’t respecting it, you owe it to yourself to isolate yourself from the situation.
Fear of Guilt
So accountability and guilt… how do they relate? We already know that guilt is something we feel bad about doing, saying or failing to do. It’s the uncomfortable conscious feeling we get when we compare our actions to our core values, which don’t match up or align.
Acceptance is a hard thing to swallow when the results end up being negative. We want to ignore the five stages of grief because of how painful the process is. You probably heard me repeat this a few times, but it is okay for us to make mistakes. No one in this world is perfect. Even idols you might look up to have their fair share of faults.
This is where I have said self-reflection is key. When we start to have a guilty conscience, we react in two ways. We will either motivate ourselves to move in a positive direction and learn from our mistakes, or we don’t self-reflect and tend to sway the accountability in another direction.
Conclusion
“People are more inclined to pass the buck than they are to take responsibility. The fact is, though, passing the buck doesn’t build your character or give you the opportunity to learn from your mistakes.”
— Marshall Goldsmith
With accountability, it can be pretty challenging to overcome when you repeatedly do it consistently or even past trauma that caused shame and judgment.
If we start holding ourselves accountable without shame and judgment, we can start making healthy and positive adjustments in our daily lives. There won’t be a mental block preventing us from doing the right thing. Learning these habits will impact our lives, our partners, and the people around us. As I said earlier, when you start to radiate positive energy, people will want to be around you & possibly will pick up your habits as well.
For me, these were the top three I believed were the reason people want to avoid accountability. Although there are numerous reasons people want to avoid it (I will discuss this later in a post), through my experience and others, these three were the most common I’ve witnessed. Feel free to leave a comment below with your thoughts!
Do you feel accountability is a big issue B now, or is it just an overstatement?
If you don’t agree with my top 3, what are your top 3 reasons you believe someone wants to avoid accountability?